OK, I made that up. Nobody seems in the least bit concerned about the risk of a Thatcher statue outside parliament inadvertently opening a ‘Hell-mouth’. They perhaps should be. I used to watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and know what signs to look out for. Nor is anyone concerned how it could well end up some kind of ‘dark shrine’ where Tories snack on babies – waiting for the statue to cry or something.

So maybe the reason its intended home outside Parliament has been axed is because Thatcher was such a hideously divisive figure? Someone who many credit with the beginnings of capitalist feudalism and the decline of British society? Someone who many many people still positively despise to this day?

No, the real reason is far less exciting. And somehow, even less palatable. 

The conversation pretty much went down like this (although I may be paraphrasing slightly):

“Hello Reginald, Geoffrey Lister-Donald here. Listen, so sorry to interrupt the hunting trip, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to put up the Maggie statue after all.” 

“Oh gosh. Well, I did warn you £300,000 was a bit too much to ask the plebs to cough up, especially while we’re concurrently trying to kill them off with ‘austerity’.”

“No, it’s not that Reggie. We’ve already billed them, they’ve already paid for it. It’s already been built.”

“Isn’t that a bit of a waste of money then, even by our standards?”

“Yes, well you can’t make Foie gras without strangling a few geese.”

“Why then? Surely we’re not worried about it seeming offensive? Like we give a damn what commoners think?”

“No, don’t be silly. Apparently there’s simply a fair to middling chance that Holy Mother will be vandalised. The police even mentioned the words ‘defecate’, and ‘98% probability’. We don’t want her getting spoiled now, do we?” 

“Oh yes, good call. Until we can keep the peasants out entirely, it’s probably a wise decision. Where’s it going then?”

“Well, it’s caused a bit of a bidding frenzy. Gove’s in the lead at present, having offered up a sacrifice of six orphaned immigrants and a brood of newborn puppies. Whereas Theresa wants the statue reforged in her own image. All round, a bit of a brouhaha.”

Money well spent by the Tories. As usual.

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