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Freshly forged from her sacking at LBC (after calling for a ‘Final Solution’ to the ‘Muslim problem’), Katie Hopkins is rumoured to have travelled to the outer rim of Hades – where she was reportedly imbued with the superhuman power to be an even bigger c**t.

The Olympians who bestowed the power were said to be pretty irritated though: Hopkins had promised them ‘her soul’ as payment, and instead, they only found a semi-digested, half-chewed Wham bar.

The transformation process took about two minutes. Katie afterwards commented:

I’m so excited to go out and buy a cape. Travelling by broomstick so often has given me a nasty rash down below, and Theresa’s got dibs on the whole ‘flying monkey’ thing.

 

Without the job at LBC, I can’t afford business class flights any more. Let’s be honest, I’d be pummelled to mush if I travelled economy, and I have to fly Stateside regularly now for Donald Trump’s ‘Bunga Bunga’ parties.  This seemed the only viable option.

The subsequent £20K ‘orphan-skin’ cape later commissioned sadly went to waste, when Katie discovered she’d merely retained her genetic predisposition to transform into a bat.

No Katie no cry

Unfortunately for Shitty Cockpins, she’s made herself nigh on unemployable in Britain – certainly within the realm of ‘cogent political debate’ that she believes herself capable. She was showered with offers the like of ‘Celebrity Love Island’ (and its new proposed spin-off, ‘Celebrity Shark Face-Off’), and Channel 5 are said to have offered the alleged-journalist a 50% ownership if she’d host a show – but the mainstream political and family shows? They’d probably rather invite that weird-looking topless man/woman/Klingon who posed for a pic with Corbyn at Glastonbury, with boobs hanging by his/her waist. And then probably slant him/her as being Corbyn’s proposed candidate for Foreign Secretary. (Still probably better than Boris, mind.)

So Dipsy Nutkins did what all psychotic/lunatic loudmouths with an inherent need to spread poison currently do. She went to America: where she was generally accepted, and even hailed as a “voice of reason”. A land where a racist and misogynistic orangutan with the skin shade of Tango can hurl his poop at the wall, and have the CIA pick it up.

Shout if you need me!

We’ll ignore the obvious question, eg: who could positively be sitting there praying for the intervention of a skinny British housewife more hated than gonorrhea, but it possibly speaks volumes that even the Americans shipped her off back to Europe. And were good enough to send her to a war-zone where desperate displaced refugees have at least a feasible chance of getting to kick her firmly in the hootenanny.

Some reports claim Inaney Kipperkins went of her own accord though – led to believe she was hosting the real-life Hunger Games. Or that she’d at least get to taser a refugee or two.

Highway to the Danger Zone

Looking about as comfortable as a Father bearing witness to his daughter’s first blowjob, Boney Hefferkins posed for her Twitter fans like Captain Marvel amid the turmoil. Well, I say ‘amid’. It had to be close enough to pose for a quick pic so she can now claim to be a ‘proper journalist’, but far enough away to retreat like f**k to the awaiting chauffeured car, on standby to escort her back to the 5* hotel.

There she is… Nobbly Wibblekins. A shining blazing icon of decency and humanity. Ready to pepper spray the first “cockroach” (eg: brown person) who dares come within range.

It’s amazing what lengths the right-wing will now go to in order to prove they’re not the hateful ones, and that their absolutist and poisonous rhetoric is anything other than fascism and white supremacy dressed up as a Sunday picnic. What Slippery Miffkins has done here, is a bit like traveling to a notorious crack-house in order to demonstrate how clean and tidy you keep your kitchen.

Clearly the gentleman standing in the background is coming to thank Katie for her much needed and valuable journalistic contribution. But on the whole, Italian residents were unimpressed. One described Slopkins’ contribution to solving the migrant crisis about as helpful as a ‘chocolate dildo’. 

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