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Activate reveal new foolproof strategy to win over broke youngsters: selling £100 Champagne on their website

It’s been a rocky start for the Tories’ new Momentum-imitation group Activate.

After beginning their existence being mocked relentlessly on social media for posting a paralysingly cringworthy Star Wars related meme that didn’t really make any sense, the Activate hierarchy must be wondering exactly what they could do to truly appeal to the masses.

“Maybe we should attack Corbyn in a me-me”, one of their more eager volunteers would ask, before being shouted down for copying Theresa May’s cripplingly bad General Election tactics.

Another worryingly posh teenage Activate volunteer suggests nervously, “Perhaps we should reference popular culture, rather than a film that’s like 40 years old”, before being verbally slapped down for criticising the work of the outrageously out of touch Tory overlords who think they know what’s best.

Before another privately schooled pre-pubescent Activate volunteer asks: “Maybe we should, you know, talk to real people and gauge their opinions on policy and direction?”

“WHAT KIND OF FUCKING STUPID IDEA IS THAT?”, Screams the Activate National Chairman.


‘I know exactly what we should do’, the Activate National Chairman continues.

“We should sell BOOZE. Reasonably priced booze. All the commoners love getting pissed, don’t they?”

“Great idea boss”, the assembled crowd of pre-school Activate volunteers mutters in perfect syncronisation.

Looking for more ideas from the Activate minions, the Activate chairman asks them:

“What kind of booze do poor young people like then?”

But before anyone has a chance to respond sensibly, the Chairman exclaims: “Ah yes! Champagne! Every student I’ve ever met has loved the stuff!”

“Here’s an idea: let’s f*cking sell champagne on our website!”

“But boss, don’t you need some kind of licence to sell alcohol?”

“Oh do shut up Cuthbert”, the Chairman says angrily.

He goes on: “Yes, we’ll sell Champagne.”

“But what is a price that these commoners can afford? How about £10,000, no…. £1000….. no, no, let’s say, cheap as chips -£100? Yes…that sounds about right. Yes, we’ll sell Champagne for £100 on our website. That sounds like the perfect plan to entice disadvantaged young people.”

This conversation was a dramatisation.

However, Activate – the group who apparently want to appeal to disadvantaged students and overworked, underpaid youngsters, will honestly be selling £100 Champagne on their website.

What’s more, the bottles will apparently be ‘hand-signed’ by Theresa May and Boris Johnson.

Activate Champagne Shop

Yes, you heard that right. Somehow the *independent* organisation have managed to obtain personally signed bottles of bubbly from the Tory top brass. Sounds extremely independent even if I do say so myself.

F*ckin eck, this Tory Momentum-imitation group really are utterly incorrigible.

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