-- Advertisement --

Activate reveal new foolproof strategy to win over broke youngsters: selling £100 Champagne on their website


Stay in touch!

Sign up to be updated with Evolve's latest stories, and for opportunities to get involved.
Loading

It’s been a rocky start for the Tories’ new Momentum-imitation group Activate.

After beginning their existence being mocked relentlessly on social media for posting a paralysingly cringworthy Star Wars related meme that didn’t really make any sense, the Activate hierarchy must be wondering exactly what they could do to truly appeal to the masses.

“Maybe we should attack Corbyn in a me-me”, one of their more eager volunteers would ask, before being shouted down for copying Theresa May’s cripplingly bad General Election tactics.

Another worryingly posh teenage Activate volunteer suggests nervously, “Perhaps we should reference popular culture, rather than a film that’s like 40 years old”, before being verbally slapped down for criticising the work of the outrageously out of touch Tory overlords who think they know what’s best.

Before another privately schooled pre-pubescent Activate volunteer asks: “Maybe we should, you know, talk to real people and gauge their opinions on policy and direction?”

“WHAT KIND OF FUCKING STUPID IDEA IS THAT?”, Screams the Activate National Chairman.

“WE TELL PEOPLE WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.”

‘I know exactly what we should do’, the Activate National Chairman continues.

“We should sell BOOZE. Reasonably priced booze. All the commoners love getting pissed, don’t they?”

“Great idea boss”, the assembled crowd of pre-school Activate volunteers mutters in perfect syncronisation.

Looking for more ideas from the Activate minions, the Activate chairman asks them:

“What kind of booze do poor young people like then?”

But before anyone has a chance to respond sensibly, the Chairman exclaims: “Ah yes! Champagne! Every student I’ve ever met has loved the stuff!”

“Here’s an idea: let’s f*cking sell champagne on our website!”

“But boss, don’t you need some kind of licence to sell alcohol?”

“Oh do shut up Cuthbert”, the Chairman says angrily.

He goes on: “Yes, we’ll sell Champagne.”

“But what is a price that these commoners can afford? How about £10,000, no…. £1000….. no, no, let’s say, cheap as chips -£100? Yes…that sounds about right. Yes, we’ll sell Champagne for £100 on our website. That sounds like the perfect plan to entice disadvantaged young people.”

This conversation was a dramatisation.

However, Activate – the group who apparently want to appeal to disadvantaged students and overworked, underpaid youngsters, will honestly be selling £100 Champagne on their website.

What’s more, the bottles will apparently be ‘hand-signed’ by Theresa May and Boris Johnson.

Activate Champagne Shop

Yes, you heard that right. Somehow the *independent* organisation have managed to obtain personally signed bottles of bubbly from the Tory top brass. Sounds extremely independent even if I do say so myself.

F*ckin eck, this Tory Momentum-imitation group really are utterly incorrigible.

Become An Evolve Politics Subscriber

Your subscriptions go directly into paying our writers a standard fee for every article they produce. So if you want to help us stay truly independent, please think about subscribing. We literally couldn’t function without the support of our fantastic readers.

Subscribe

Or a One-Off Donation to Evolve Politics

If you don’t want to subscribe, but still want to contribute to our project, you can make a one-off donation via the donate button below. All your donations go directly to our writers for their work in exposing injustice, inequality and unfairness.

Donate

 

Evolve needs your help more than ever.

We rely on the generosity of our readers to help fund the majority of our work - but we need a little more to make ends meet and enable us to grow.

If we can reach 1,000 regular subscribers, we will become entirely financially sustainable - and we'll also have a little extra so we can build upwards and outwards to make our work have an even bigger impact.

In the last month alone, our work on the Environment Bill has helped force a change in the law for the better. And, since Evolve was founded, our uniquely viral style of journalism has repeatedly put the establishment on the back foot and helped force genuinely positive progression.

But we want to do far more - and we need your help to do it.

The best way you can help us is by becoming a Monthly or Annual subscriber. This kind of regular income allows us to better plan for the future - firstly so we can pay the bills, and then so we can set aside funds and time to work on extra projects.

However, if you can't commit to a regular payment, one-off donations - no matter how small - also make a big difference to us, and we genuinely make the most of every single penny.

So, if you appreciate the work that Evolve does and you want to see us make an even bigger impact on the world, please think about contributing to our work in whatever way you possibly can.

Subscriber-Only Comments

-- Advertisement --

Follow

153,478FansLike
1,952FollowersFollow
395FollowersFollow
1FollowersFollow
67,379FollowersFollow
1,060SubscribersSubscribe
-- Advertisement --